07.02.03 ...as the pattern gets more intricate and subtle... being swept along is no longer enough... First off - I slept so well last night. No insomnia. Just almost like passing out as soon as I lay down. BF was sweet - he lay there next to me on my bed as I was drifting off. Silently massaging my head & neck, kissing my shoulders, running his fingers over my arms. If I hadn't been so tired... that would usually keep me awake. Something keeps tugging at my brain. It is telling me to slow the roll - before I drive myself completely insane. It's something that is forcing me to finally sleep without the aid of alcohol... You know, I am considering taking a break from school. (OR maybe just skipping a class this summer, making it up in the fall OR maybe just quitting again OR maybe not) It feels so good to have the evening free. I shouldn't have said that, even to myself. ----- I discovered that both my stepmother & stepbrother have livejournals. AND they have had them for years. This knowledge makes me feel a little more than freaked out because if I have read theirs then they could've read mine too. I shrugged & said that I had "heard of people keeping online journals" "but that is SO weird!" (ha-ha) "Me? I would never have an online journal" Ha. So my mind bounces between paranoia in what I say/have said and what I believe in my heart. I think back over myself and KNOW that I have always told the plain truth... in here... and never really thought about it... how I guess that I never even utter my opinion out loud... but seem to shout it in this diary. & I could honestly see how someone might take offense to being called a raging bitch or a spoiled brat, but hey, what do I know? ----- My mother has been seeing a counselor lately. At first I laughed because her counselor was this barefoot, hippie-type who talked my mother (my mother!) into practicing yoga. But I have seen a difference... and I am not laughing anymore. I love it. I love her. My mother, my beautiful mother. I feel that we are finally able to communicate on some level. ----- I am loving my fotolog. I could get lost looking around that place - pictures - people - things - another world. ----- I am feeling better. About everything and about nothing in particular. Getting a full night's rest helped out a lot on that one. ----- Reading up on something called Sleep Paralization. Something that I thought only happened to me. Something that I thought was indicative of mental illness or worse. It turns out to be almost common... but funny, when I try to explain it to people, they just look confused or tell me that I must have been dreaming. You really couldn't understand it unless it has happened to you... |
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