04.23.03 The nausea has passed except in fleeting moments of thinking. Like last night when I lay awake - scared of the fucking dark, and woke BF to take me to the bathroom. And really, honestly, I can't even explain what I am scared of... but panic... afraid to move... I think that's why I have become so comfortable in drinking until I pass out. That�s the only way I can avoid the stiffness of lying there in the dark until sleep wrestles my mind away from the ultra-awareness of the streetlight & its shadows. That�s the only way I can fall asleep without dreaming. When my dad was still around he'd often use it as a weapon against me. You see, the worst thing you could do to a seven-year-old who is scared of the dark is to lock them outside at night and proceed to pass out. I guess I like to have someone to blame� But BF � he is good. He has grown quite accustomed to my seemingly irrational behavior. Agreeing sleepily to my requests for a bathroom chaperone. He�s SUCH a fucking good boy - holding my hand while leaning against the sink. Afterwards, we stayed up for a while singing & laying in the darkness... the song �Patience�. And let me tell you, we sang at the top of our lungs, complete with the whistling solo & the wailing guitar sound effects. The whole time laughing at the fact that we were quote: "Fucking rocking that shit out." �Goodnight Axel,� he murmured as he rolled over in the bed. �Sweet dreams, Slash,� I replied. And sleep came a little easier. |
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