12.11.02 I am tired. So very fucking tired. Last night was my final - no more class until January. I worked very hard for my freakin "B". Our teacher is a freak, and decides that no matter how well you do in her class that only 3 people can have an A. I think that this is slightly STUPID. I deserve an A. I deserve a lot more than I am getting at this point in my tired little life. My dad left a very drunk, very teary message on my cell last night while I was in class... I might call him back, but I don't know yet. I mean, he asked me to PLEASE call him back like seven times. You know, I remember writing him a letter when I was a kid asking him to PLEASE come to my birthday party. Of course he didn't show up. I don't know what the call was about & I don't fucking care. My ex-ex boyfriend from NC left a message also. It was kind of weird because I never talk to him anymore. I broke up with him over 3 years ago - suddenly, I might add, to date the current Boyfriend. There has always been too much jealousy from current Boyfriend to talk to exboyfriend and so I keep our contact very limited. But he always seems to call when I am in "Crisis"... It's just weird, that's all. And to this day, though he has a new girlfriend, he tells me that he loves me & I get the feeling that he never really got over me. I don't want him back, though. I never did. He just wasn't good for me, and it took me meeting someone else to finally get BALLS and break it off. Cause I didn't want to hurt anyone. Anywho. The Boy is back. There is nothing to feel or say about it. I am numb anyways, and I need his part of the bills. Especially at Christmas. He has asked me to marry him. He has "changed" he says. He is soooooooo fucking sorry he says. He is going to spend a very long time making it up to me he says. Maybe he is. Even so, I feel very defeated... We'll just see, won't we? He went yesterday and paid my cell bill which was over a hundred dollars, took back my late Blockbuster movies, picked up drivethrough food, put gas in the Honda, let me to drive his car to class last night, washed dishes, took out trash, given massages and has been fucking PERFECT in everyway. This is the same boy that comes straight home from work and passes out on the sofa everyday. He told me that I was going to LOVE the present(s) that he had gotten me for Christmas. That he was making "payments" on one of the gifts. Hmmm.... ====================== Everything has a grey film over it, and everything is stale... I can't see past the fog that has settled around my body. Maybe it's me being on the rag that is making me so goddamned depressed... maybe it's just that sudden swing that I have actually grown quite accustomed to. My hands are all clammy as I type this, & my eyes feel swelled though I haven't been crying at all. The geranium on the window sill just died. |
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