12.03.02 Ahhh... Home early from the big conference. I love it-love-love-love-it. The theme for today was "seperating the urgent from the important"... Time-management, people, time-freakin-management.... I learned how to more effectively waste my company's time by playing games with tennis balls and eating a delicious catered breakfast and lunch. We also got a good talk about self-defense... which was pretty cool. Half the people in my department didn't even show up for this thing that cost us $75 per person to attend. For those who attend college - this is where your "tuition" goes. It pays for my department to eat out at least once every two weeks, go to conferences, and do a lot of NOT WORKING. It's funny, actually. Because I still go to college, and it's like I am picking up the tab for all those dumbasses in my department. I also got to chat a lot with this girl that I used to work with at another company. She filled me in on all the gossip about the girls from that other company. -------------- Last night I think I had an apiphany. I am not sure what it was exactly, but I can tell that it is gonna change my fucking life. It had a little to do with Boyfriend. It had a little to do with work. And it had a lot to do with my pathetic self. I guess it started with me talking about that great hypothetical statement of "when I (we) have children...blah, blah, blah..." and he states very nonchalauntly that he doesn't want to EVER have children. EVER. Never, never, never. And so I told him that I didn't think that we had the same life goals. Not that I want to bust out a baby anytime soon. Or even get married, but SOMEDAY... Someday, I will want those things. I am only 23, but I know that somefuckingday, I will want a real family like I never had. And I WILL want what I say I don't want now. And I WILL want someone who wants the same things... He never even finished high school, works for his "daddy", and is always broke. I got my own job without my parents & have been going to college in order to further a career. I pay my own bills, and juggle a little pathetic life amoung all my responsibilities. He drinks and I drink too. ---- But I do something besides drink. I do a whole lot of something everyday! And I see where we are two completely different people. And I told him so. And he said that was not a good reason to "break up our relationship" and I said that it was as good as any. And I just don't know. I am afraid to be "alone". I am afraid to admit that I was "wrong". I am afraid of everything. But I feel a little stronger now. I know what I have to do. Isn't that a good start? Isn't that good enough? But I love him. I don't even know why or HOW... but I do. Am I ready to break my own heart?
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