11.28.02 Okay, new layout... I like things to be in very particular order and so I have been editing and re-editing this thing all morning... hopefully I will be content with this one for a while. On the relationship front, things have been �swept under the hypothetical rug�. I have been dropping such obvious hints about this whole cheating thing that Boyfriend finally just opened his email in front of me... There were NO messages. NONE. Not even junk mail... hmmm... EVERYFUCKINGBODY gets at least a couple of "junkmail porno offers" This is how I know that he planned that whole scene out by checking his mail waaaay before that. Oh fucking well. Even the saved messages from the mystery slut have been deleted. Lucky, I printed them out beforehand. I am obsessing about this just like I obsess about everything. Enough of that... Moving on. Last night I ate about 4 xanaxes and tried to make Christmas decorations. I want a live Christmas tree this year. And I want it decorated with stars. I even got stuff to make a moon for the tree-topper. Needless to say - they don't look as good this morning as they did last night. They looked really cool � I swear� And on top of it all, I still feel all groggy this morning but I can't sleep anymore because I passed out in a fucked-up position & my back hurts! I am down to my last 10 and the prescription didn't "come through" like it was supposed to... I have to make these last until the first of the new year, YEAH RIGHT. With the holidays here, all the stress of my family & �you-know-who� & presents & parties & blah, blah, blah�. I am going to have to drink a lot more. It�s just that pills are easier & if I don�t have them, I tend to �partake� more often � (read: get stinking drunk) and then everybody thinks that I am the family alchoholic. I am not. I don�t even like to drink. God, quit lying. ---------------- I had this dream last night that I was hitting my mother and calling her names... in my dream, she was my boss & she wouldn't let me leave work early. That is the maddest that I have ever been inside a dream. Besides the time when I drempt that I was in jail. --------------- I don�t know what I dread most today. Treking down to another fucking state to eat dinner with my stepfather�s parents or eating fried turkey at Boyfriend�s father�s house. I have this feeling that we won�t make it to Christmas. --------------------
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