11.20.02 Uh. I just had to lick about 25 envelopes - first thing in the morning. I haven't updated in a while, due to the fact that my thoughts have been quite muddled and abstract at the same time. Like a "weeble-wooble" in a fucking tornado. Remember those? "a weeble-wooble woobles, but he don't fall down"? Stupid 80s-kid toy... I lay awake last night, half-dreaming, half-thinking... I hate those kind of nights. In the morning I always feel silly. It started because I came home from school (at 10:30 pm) and found Boyfriend passed-out-drunk on the sofa. That is a given on most nights, but last night was different. Wait, no it wasn't... That is what pisses me off. Garbage piled 2 bags deep in the kitchen, dishes overflowing onto the counter, nasty-dried Ramen noodles on the stove, dirty clothes laying all around the hamper (not in the hamper, but beside it), and to top it off - the washer had flooded the entire laundry room with freezing cold water. And there HE was, passed out in the middle of a total wreck of a house. I don't understand why I have to TELL him to take out the garbage or pick up his stinky boxers! Normal people just do these things. Don't they? And so I woke his ass up and started barking orders. I would usually just clean it all up myself and bitch about it the next day... But last night I was tired, I was ill, I was sick of all the shit that gets left to me... --------------------- And so I lay awake thinking of what a raging bitch, what an unhappy little person I have become. And I can feel myself becoming more and more like the things I hate. And I thought about how the seasons of my moods are changing- spring to winter, without a summer. High to low without warning, where everything is covered in green film. Once I was tripping out at the Farm and we were out by this lake that had several powerlines crossing overhead. The buzzing of the lines was making my head spin, and everything was green - filmy and slimy... and we stripped down... and everyone was laughing... and we saw a deer... and Rick climbed a tree... and I blacked out... That same feeling - choppy, like an art film. And I haven't dropped acid in years. And I thought about Boyfriend beside me, and how I always thought that this would make me complete. Another person's love, unbending... but mine wavering like bad trip. Stacey asked me yesterday how "we were doing". We, meaning Boyfriend and I - and I didn't know how to describe it. I couldn't convey that feeling, so I just answered "fine." -------------------- And I wrote a mental list of confessions that someday I will post here - when I am ready. Confessions of that day at the Farm, that trip to Tampa. And I also thought of who I would send it to... and wishing that it wasn't too late to send it to three that are GONE. I wish that I could finish this, but it doesn't feel right. -------------------- Christmas is soon and I can't wait. Because I work for a school, I get all those paid holidays - 12 days in a row... and lots of parties. So much to do until then, so much already forgotten to do... So much to forget. Thanks. |
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