08.08.02 There will be a day- SOON when I have something good to write about.. Okay, i feel better today... somewhat... i guess.... Its funny how things either seem so much better or so much worse in the morning. For me - morning is the best time... when I am still half asleep... and my dreams are still fresh. Dreams are almost too much now. Gory shit. So, yeah, I am still dreaming- of lost hours of sleep last night. This is all too much. I am too much. ******* I talked with Bo last night & he said that Alexia "traded" his laptop for 300 dollars worth of coke since he's been in rehab.--- I asked him how he found out and he said that he was hanging out with the kid that got the laptop.... we all know what that means. Kicking is hard. Last nite I wanted NOTHING more than to break my (2 year in December) promise for sobriety. OH WHY DO I LIE?? I've broken that promise more than OFTEN in the past month or so.... It just sounds good, I guess.... & actually, I wanted nothing more than this growling in my stomach- this metallic taste- this bone-aching- the biting my nails down to blood - EVERYTHING to disapear for about 20 minutes. It has nothing to do with sobriety. It's just easier to sleep, sometimes when my brain is switched off. So I try to smoke myself to sleep... I still have my camel menthol lights... |
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